It’s Been A While

I’ve fallen off the blogging wagon for a bit. However, I have just been a very busy bee these past couple months since I last wrote. I miss it. It makes me feel in control and allows me to be more creative. I’ve been shifting a lot of my focus into loving myself, maintaining relationships, and developing myself in my career.

A lot has changed. For those of you that have stuck around and keep tabs on me- I’m doing way better than I was a year ago.

I’m still in Arizona. I work for an insanely progressive and rewarding company. My mental health is slowly but surely improving. My relationships and how I view relationships is also becoming obtainable. Overall, I’d say my mental health is the best it has been in quite some time. I am still taking SSRIs, but I had a long talk with my doctor about how I have been on them for over 10 years and how I don’t want to be on them for the rest of my life- but the possibility of having to do so is something that I have come to terms with. I’m doing good. They make me feel like the world isn’t going to end.

I had a bit of a scary situation a couple months ago. I was sitting on the couch watching Star Wars and then out of now where I started shaking, sweating, feeling like I was going to throw up. The ceiling and walls became very dark, and my vision was fuzzy. I started thinking all of these dark, terrible thoughts. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve had panic attacks, but not like this. It affects my whole entire body. I tried to distract myself by doing push ups, squats, giving myself a hug, breathing deeply… but I was so terrified. I didn’t know what was going to happen that night. It felt like I was going to die, which may sound dramatic but.. it is reality for many people who suffer from anxiety/depression. I’m not having myself a pity party about it, because I’m okay and and glad that I was able to call someone I trust to comfort me. I told my doctor about everything and he said it sounds like an extreme panic attack. I was like well no shit lol.

It’s terrifying because it’s moments like that, that make me feel like life is not worth living. There is so much pain, so much hate in this world. No one cares about each other. Everyone is always looking out for #1, themselves. I get sad when I think about it, and as a result turns into these freaky panic attacks that leave me powerless. But I didn’t let it consume me.

As I laid in bed that night, being held tight… i realized that not everyone has bad intentions. There are some really awesome people in this world. I hope some people see me as one of those good souls. I haven’t been as present as I would like to be or used to be, but I’m going to start taking little steps in the right direction to become a more wholesome, level-headed individual. I feel like I lost myself for a couple months. I just need to get back on my high horse, do more of what I enjoy and less of self harming activities. I choose health. I choose happiness. And I choose that for you if you have also not been yourself lately. We are all trying, and we slip up more often than we would like.. but you gotta feel the lows in order to feel those life-giving highs.

I hope you are well my friends.

Take care

Molls

My Experiences With Psychedelics

We are living in a time where people are focused on healing. Healing the Earth, our minds, bodies, and souls… Humanity used to demonize so many things that we currently see as desirable. Think about it.

I remember being a child and saying I would never smoke marijuana, or do drugs of any kind. My parents always told me to stay away from those things- that they will ruin my life and I will go down a path of self destruction with no return. So, being the goodie two shoes that I was… I stayed away from those “bad” substances.

Each year, as I got older, my views on those things started to become more intense. I treated my body like a temple, and did not want any toxicity near me. Looking back, I kind of feel bad for myself for demeaning the qualities that marijuana and some drugs possess. Now, when I say “drugs”, I mean MDMA, magic mushrooms, LSD, DMT and other kinds of psychedelic drugs. I’ve done my research over the years before even considering consuming them for experimental reasons, and all I can say is DAMN… So many people are missing out on possibly a very healing and heart-opening experience.

Since I was 21, marijuana took a step into my life. Like I said, I always looked at flower as something that will make me “lazy” or “unmotivated” or “a piece of shit”. No. It did the opposite for me, and continues to amaze me every day. You see, I have dealt with anxiety and depression since I was about 10 years old. Ive been on prescription medication to try and help for 13 years. (I do plan on getting off someday, but I think SSRI’s are extremely vital for some people)

Anyway… once I started smoking marijuana, all of my worries dissipated in that moment. I can think clearly. My head does not feel compressed like it usually does 24/7. I felt like I could relax my neck and traps (which is where I carry all of my stress). I felt like I was opening up a gate so that another part of me could walk through and finally show everyone how Mollie is not just some sad, anxious, depressed individual with a stick up her ass. She can be fun, chill, understanding, willing to listen, and pretty damn funny. It’s so crazy to me that anxiety has limited my potential all of these years, and all it took was giving this discredited substance a shot. Now, weed is becoming legal in many states and will continue to become so as the years pass. I’m truly excited to see where it goes, because what it has done for me and my heart has been life changing.

On to the touchier subject- psychedelics. Even just the word is dope. Let’s talk about magic mushrooms though. These fuckers have been around since about 9000-10000 B.C. But when they really came into the picture in western civilization, it was about the 1950’s. Psilocybin mushrooms have been used in healing rituals & ceremonies in other cultures for years and years.

“The first thing to be eaten at the feast were small black mushrooms that they called teonanacatl and bring on drunkenness, hallucinations and even lechery; they ate these before the dawn…with honey; and when they began to feel the effects, they began to dance, some sang and others wept… When the drunkenness of the mushrooms had passed, they spoke with one another of the visions they had seen.” -Bernardino de Sahagun

Let me tell ya about my experience with mushrooms. I only take psychedelics when I go hiking, am surrounded by nature, and am with someone I trust heavily. One of the most soul-opening experiences I’ve had on mushrooms was on my favorite hike out in Sedona, AZ. I was with one of my friends, someone I always feel safe with. He actually introduced me to psychedelics in the first place. We like to grind up the mushrooms and pour them in some kind of juice so that it is easier to consume. I like to call them “vegan jerky” when they are not ground up 😂.

Depending on the dosage, you will experience so many different emotions during your trip. For me, the first stage after taking the mushrooms is usually a short period of intense anxiety that gives me adrenaline. Once that fades, it kind of only goes up from there. I start to view myself differently. I view my body differently. I immediately fell in love with myself and all of the qualities I possessed. I admire the rock formations, and the color saturation around me, and of course the sound of nature. It all feels so welcoming. Like Mother Nature is telling me that she’s happy I am here and wanting to explore more of her. Everything I touch feels like it has energy. I can’t help but smile and feel a wave of relief constantly crashing into my brain. Once I am in this mindset, it’s nearly impossible to shake me. My dear friend always makes me feel grounded as well, which is why I think it’s so important to have someone you love and trust around you while tripping balls lol. The thoughts and feelings you have while on a trip are so very profound and introspective. For me, at least. I remember sitting on a hot, red, rock In Sedona with my friend, and we were talking about emotions and how it’s truly pretty easy to control them. I looked at him and said “I want to try something. Let’s sit across from each other, and pick an emotion to feel. If we tap into that headspace, we can feel any emotion from angry to happy almost instantly.” And so, we gave it a go. My friend chose anger. He tapped in to his vexation almost immediately. I won’t share what the anger was about, because that is personal for him. But it was truly amazing to witness such vulnerability from someone who has never expressed that emotion with me before.

I didn’t really verbalize what my emotion was, but it was pretty clear that it was sadness. I was sitting there on a rock next to my best friend, having a good time, so why would I choose sadness? Well, I knew I had some healing to do. And this was the perfect time to do it. I tapped in, and was almost mentally transported to a time where I felt sad. Not your “oh, poor me, my life sucks” kind of sad… but the hurting kind of sad. I had some past situations that I thought I convinced myself that I was over, but after manipulating my emotions to actually feel them and go back in time to when I first originally felt those heart crushing moments was very eye opening for me. I asked myself all the right questions, such as “why does this hurt so much? Why do I still feel pain? Why do I feel like this is my fault?”

And to be honest… it helped me see that I was only doing what was best for me in those moments, I truly was. But I was naive. I felt so sad and low because I was not being honest with myself. And that’s what psychedelics helped me see. That I am not some sad, helpless, problematic individual. But that I am caring, empathetic, and could not control the situations that made me feel so small. I did what I could and it wasn’t enough, but I accepted it on that rock in Sedona. And I finally felt like my mind unlocked another part of me that was so afraid to come out.

It all sounds very dramatic, but once you experience it, you will know what I mean. Now, I’m not saying hey kids go out and do drugs, eat random mushrooms and have yourself a good time! No. These plants are amazing, and should be used as tools first. Tools that will help you level up in life and help you see more in yourself and what the world has to offer, and what you have to offer the world. It’s humbling, healing, fun, and mind-opening to have a good trip.

I’ve never had a bad trip (knock on wood) so I hope it stays that way. Anywho, I just felt like starting my day with something that was positive and makes me feel good. And writing + sharing my stories does just that. I’m happy, healthy, motivated, and quite frankly in the best place I’ve ever been in. I’m so thankful.

Happy friday everyone!

Life Is Like Super Mario

I have been an insomniac lately. The past week I have had trouble falling/staying asleep. However, it has been oddly helpful to me. The less I sleep, the more I think. The more I think… the more creative I become. I probably insomni-ed my way to at least 10-15 new business ideas (could be winners, could be busts) and have really become more in tune with my body, mind and emotions. This lack of sleep has motivated me. & I have realized that life is a game. A game of leveling up. We are truly living inside the board game of life. And as I’m sitting in my car outside the gym right now at 4:30am, all I can think about is how in going to make today my bitch. 🥰

This post will be shorter than most.. but I suppose it’s just more of a check in for myself. I do hope it helps and motivates y’all though.

So, what made my perspective on life change into this “game mindset”?

To be honest, I’ve been playing a lot more Super Mario lately, and the motive of the game always makes me think about my own life. We are on this journey, collecting coin, meeting allies along the way, and if we work hard enough/get lucky enough.. we get a gold star.

Now, in reality, the gold stars to me are the highs in life. The super incredible, rewarding experiences. We all want those gold stars as often as possible and as quick as we can get them. The coin is nice to have, but it’s not everything. Allies are your friends that help you through the tough times, and to get to those gold stars. My friend Jasmine is like my Luigi, my go-to, my homie, my person I lean on when I need it.

The green tunnels are new opportunities that life offers. Red mushrooms are boosts of confidence and energy. Kamek (little fucker) represents the trials and bumps in the road on your journey. And goombas are your haters lmao.

It’s much more fun to view life this way. Because at the end of the day, I’m still Mario and I kick ass. Yeah one day I could get defeated by Bowser in his castle, but I’ll always bounce back and have a chance to start over. (P.s. if anyone has ever told you that video games are a waste of time, show them this blog post bc I’ve learned a lot from playing video games over my lifetime).

So, yeah. I see life as a game now, and I am determined to level up with every chance I get. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but I’m gonna do my darnest to collect as many gold stars as possible ⭐️

Have a killer Monday 😛💰💖

Molls

Getting Dialed in On My Goals

Hola mi amigos, acquaintances, strangers, hackers, and aliens. I have been gone for quite some time. The reason for my hiatus from my blog is due to mental health, prioritizing, and simply just not feeling like writing. I have been so content just being in the moment the past month or so, and I have not had much or a desire to write. BUT HERE WE ARE BACK AT IT AGAIN BABY.

So, I moved back to AZ! To all my close friends, I know you are not surprised. To me, this has always been a constant mental battle. I’ve been at war with myself, trying to decide between being closer to my family and settling for a mediocre career, lack of curiosity, & a lot of distraction from my goals. Naturally, I escaped and returned to my second home here in AZ, as I feel like my brain is much more goal oriented. I love my family more than anything, and wish I could always be around them… but we all know that is not possible. At least, not possible for me. I am far too independent and tend to fly by the seat of my pants. Therefor, I needed to sit myself down, have an adult conversation in my mind, and tell myself that if I really do care and love for my family, I will do whatever I can do make sure they all have a financially healthy future. I want the same for myself, as I truly do believe that money issues lead to stress, depression, anxiety and other health issues. I DO NOT want my family (or myself)to be feeling those negative side effects affiliated with financial stress.

As an effort to support my family, while also living a life worth living and not being a slave to the paycheck.. I had to move. I am down here to live and learn independently for the better interest of my future self/career/bank account/mental health. All of this is in sync to provide a comfortable life for myself and those around me. I got a great new job that makes more money, more growth opportunity, more flexibility so that I can stick with my hobbies and passions (hiking, being outdoors, working out, inspiring others) which I plan on turning into a business someday. I have all of these goals, plans for execution… but I have been lacking the drive, consistency, and mental strength. And I am SICK of feeling this way. So, I pulled the strings, and I moved states within 4 days. Fuck it, right? Good things shall come to good people, and I am trying to do good.

I did not come from much. Growing up, I lived a very comfortable life out in the country with my parents, my sister, and our farm animals who we all adored. My dad retired at a very young age due to an on the job injury. My mom also retired earlier than planned. This left a lot of financial stress on all of us. I realized the value of the dollar at a very young age. Of course, inflation was not something I anticipated on learning about since in my child mind.. a dollar was always a dollar, and it would buy me a butterfinger haha. But now.. oh goodness. I take time out of every day to learn something about finance. Investing, credit cards, loans, finance terms… it is all so much more important than people realize. If you pull up the value of the American dollar over the past 20 years, you will see that inflation caused the value of the dollar to be less and less. Which brings me back to the focus of this post… goals. One of my goals is to build my investment portfolio/savings account. And so many people mess this part up by just letting their money sit in a bank account for years a years. I just learned this shit recently, but it is so important to invest your hard earned cash so that you can get a bigger return. Holding that money in the bank will give you a decent return each month if you have a substantial amount in a money market account (higher interest income %). But as the years go on and on, inflation continues to increase… that percentage won’t be doing shit for you. I’m kind of just thinking out loud right now because I found this shit to be so interesting.

Random screenshot I took from an investing info video idk it seems to fit the post vibe

Anywhoodle, enough about finances. Back to goals, and what I am up to.

I just have so much going on in my mind 24/7. From business ideas, blog posts, personal growth investments, daily activities, fucking LIVING for goodness sake. If I want to live a meaningful life, I have to apply myself aggressively. And for me, that looks like this;

– Saying no to friends who want to hangout/go out for drinks or dinner.

– Treating my body like the gosh dang queen that she is.

– Educating myself every day in some form for at least 2 hours. (Podcasts, audiobooks, blogging, online courses)

– Not drinking alcohol. Some people can do this and still achieve their goals, but I have not found that balance yet so I think it is in my best interest to avoid for now.

– Getting quality sleep. I do not remember my last night of solid, dream realm sleep. Lately I have been tossing, turning, grunting, crying, and stressing out from not being able to fall asleep due to my anxiety.

So, if I’m MIA on social, text, calls… this is why my friends. I see more for myself, and I’m gonna go get it.

If this struck a cord in you, and you want to keep yourself accountable for YOUR goals, and actually mean that shit… hit me up. Email, Instagram, text, call whatever. I’m here for it and see that as a purpose in my life.

Take care my sweet cherubs,

Molls

Warning: Reading This Might Make You Smile

Here’s the tea. Something beautifully random happened to me about a week ago. If you have read my past blogs, you are aware of my past relationship and how utterly fucked up it was and left me feeling so small. Not only that, but I have been going and growing through so many life events that have left me feeling defeated. Like, life was definitely wiping the floor with me and my soul, and I was letting it get to me more than I should have. So, what do I do when I want to get our of a slump? I vacate the environment for a bit. I go off on my own, try to heal and deal with my emotions while also reflecting why I am feeling the way that I do. I am so glad that I ventured off to Arizona, because I came back refreshed, full of stories, memories, and new relationships that I am absolutely stoked about.

Allow me to elaborate; I met and spent time with some of the kindest and pure people on Earth. I am convinced.

Anyway, I went down to Arizona for a week to treat myself for my birthday. My first night there, I visited with a close family friend, conversed on a deeper level than the normal “surface” level topics. It was lovely. I then was accompanied by one of my best girl friends to my favorite watering hole for margaritas- Diego Pops 🤤 So proud of my girl, as she hit a milestone at work, so we celebrated her achievement, as well as me being back into her life for the week. Her and I get each other so well, I am constantly blown away by her kindness and ability to listen, and be heard by me. She took me to some bars I’ve never been to after we ate our tacos, drank our shots, and other drinks. (Spicy marg for me, Mexican mule for her).

That night struck a cord in me, because she told me some things that I imagine were difficult to share. It made me respect her even more (which I didn’t think was possible, I literally think this girl is an angel). She really opened up, and it made me happy that she felt comfortable telling me these deep thoughts, feelings, and impactful experiences. I remember while she was mid sentence explaining a past situation she was in, and I felt a wave of emotion overcome my enteric nervous system. I suddenly felt the need to cry, because I care so much about this person and the fact that I did not know all of the shit she had been through, really made me feel like a bad friend. So yeah, I cried in a public rooftop bar while holding my friends hand in one, and a tequila press in the other. Eventually I stopped being a baby and got my shit together. On to the next bar.

That is just one of the memories from the trip that I will look back on and smile immensely.

The next morning, I packed up some snacks, water, my backpack, and made my way to my favorite place in Arizona- Sedona.

If you have not been to Sedona, you are missing out on such an eye-opening & intimate experience for yourself. Every time I visit Sedona, I leave feeling refreshed, calm, less anxious, and like the world is not going down the shitter. It feels like Dr. Strange puts a hold on time and space with the time stone, to say the least.

I went to my go-to hike/swimming hole called Wet Beaver Creak (also known as “The Crack”). This glorious, magical place is located right outside of Sedona. After a moderate 3.5 mile hike in, the red rocks welcome you to a breathtaking desert oasis. I arrived fairly early, so there weren’t many people besides a group of girls and a separate group of guys fishing off of the 10ft drop off. It was a beautiful sight.

I proceeded to claim a spot near the water on the rocks, only about 5ft above the vibrantly blue water. I was getting my vitamin D, lighting a joint, and about to put my AirPods in when I hear more people hiking down to The Crack. I forgot my backpack on the higher rocks, so I went to grab it to make more room for the new people coming in. Once I got to the top of the rocks, I realized that more and more people were flooding in. I look over to my backpack and see that another group of guys were setting up their hammock and bags next to mine. I try to be discrete and grab my backpack without being obvious, but of course this guy wearing neon swim trunks goes “We don’t mean to kick you out of your spot, you can keep your bag there.”

Aaaaand I froze. I was not prepared for human interaction that day. I was high as a kite, nervous, and a bit sweaty. I don’t really remember what I said, but it probably didn’t make sense and then this guy continued to have a conversation with me. He was so handsome, kind, and while I was stumbling over my words, he listened and made me feel comfortable right away. We said it was nice to meet each other, and he even invited me on a hike that coming Sunday (also was my birthday!)

I said I’ll see ya later, and climbed back down to my little spot near the water. I laid there for a bit, watching everyone jump in the water and climb on the rocks. It was just uplifting vibes all around. Once again, I was about to put my headphones back in and out of the corner of my eye, I see a familiar neon pair of swim trunks making their way down to my spot. It was the guy I talked to up top. He asked me if he could join me, and I said yes of course because I found him to be intriguing, and I wanted to learn more about him and his story.

So we sat there, facing each other, bantering about each other’s lives, hardly ever breaking eye contact, and I think at one point we held hands and just talked for about an hour out in this lovely scenery. He was one of those people that you just gravitate toward because of their personality, intoxicating smile, and positive aura. I immediately knew that this is someone I want to spend more time with, whether as a friend or something more. It was nearly mind boggling. I knew after an hour of basking and talking in the sun beam, I was going to be burnt to a crisp if I stayed any longer. I also knew I wouldn’t want to hike 3.5 miles back to my car with mild heat exhaustion haha. I said goodbye to my new friend, gave him my number, and off into the desert I went. I turned around to get a glimpse of what the multiple groups of people were doing, and everyone was smiling, enjoying each other’s company, and taking in all of what nature had to offer them that day. The Crack never disappoints.

As much as I want to get into detail about my new friend I met, I would rather keep it personal and private because it is a new relationship that I want to protect, as it is so good and pure.

I ended up getting home around 7pm that evening after treating myself to dinner at one of my top rated spots in Scottsdale. (Farm & Craft is 🔥)

Eventually, I received a text from my friend I met that day. I smiled so big, not gonna lie.

All I could think about was “how can I see this person again asap?” WELL! Cinco De Mayo was the next day, and I know my girl friend wanted me to go celebrate the American dilapidated holiday out in Old Town with her. So, I extended the invite to The Crack guy.

Cinco de Mayo w/ my girl

Long story short, he came out that night with us, we met up with some of his good friends, had one of the most enjoyable nights I’ve ever had, and really connected on a level that I was not prepared for. So yeah, I really like this guy, we meshed so well, and I never once got annoyed of him (which is a big deal for me). The rest of the week was a lot of time spent with him. One night he cooked me dinner which consisted of vegan jackfruit pulled pork sandwiches (they were AMAZING). We played golf at sunset and laid in the grass on a blanket, listening to some of his favorite music, and just sitting in tranquility. We watched my favorite anime movie and got smoothie bowls. Sunday came around, and we left bright and early for our hike out to Water Wheel near Payton, AZ. That day was long. But it was full of genuine happiness, laughter, and sun bathing on the warm, red, rocks once again.

It was the best birthday/sunday I could have asked for. I felt safe, comfortable, content, and basically every single positive emotion there is that can be felt. I was surrounded with great people, and gorgeous scenery. I can still feel the chill of the water, and the warmth of the rocks on the bottom of my feet.

I just had the best week of my life with even better people, and it hit me that I had to leave the next day. I had to go back to reality in Oregon. But, I left feeling untroubled. All thanks to the people I chose to surround myself with.

Now The Crack guy is coming to Oregon to visit me next weekend, and I’m excited to show him all of my favorite hiking, swimming, & eating spots.

🙂

Life is not always sunshine and warm red rocks, but I’m glad that I can see the positives in any person or situation.

Till next time, friends.

Molls

The Power Of Honesty

Unfortunately, nearly every person tells a little white lie. Big, small, black, white, red, gray… There are many different kinds of “lies”. Humans lie for a variety of reasons- to protect themselves, others, or to try and improve one’s situation. However, whether one is lying for good reason or out of malicious intent, there will be consequences. Within the past couple years, I have recognized the power of honesty. Being 100% honest isn’t always a cake walk, but I firmly believe that it is the best option when it comes to tough situations that may cause a dishonest thought to cross one’s mind.

Do you recall a time when you weren’t completely honest, or said a little white lie? I sure do. Not because I do it often, but because when I lie, I always end up regretting it and telling the truth or letting it eat at me until I have a mental breakdown. I am a terrible liar, and it’s obvious when I try. I start to get clammy, my eyebrows sometimes twitch, I fiddle with my fingers, and I speak very quickly. Once I catch myself in a lie, I usually just say “I don’t know why I wasn’t being completely honest…this is what I meant to say.” Which, I feel like is a totally understandable way of explaining yourself. People lie unintentionally sometimes, but what is admirable is being able to own up to your lie and explain the thought behind it. I’m not saying lying is okay, for everyone’s morals are different. However, I am saying that it is important to be self aware of your actions and other people’s feelings when you catch yourself in a lie. Own up to your shit. It will make your life a lot easier, and the more you practice honesty, the easier it will become to spit it out in the first place and not feel the need to defend yourself with little white lies. Hiding things from the people you love is not right (IMO), and if you really care about them, you’ll tell the truth. If they really care about you, they will understand, accept, and love you for being transparent despite how difficult it was.

I have become more and more brutally honest over the past couple years, and it has caused other’s to feel more comfortable being honest with me. Because the way I see it, I always want someone to be straight up with me, even if it hurts my feelings. For example, when I was younger and going through chronic depression and an eating disorder, my mother told me that she didn’t think I was taking good care of myself, and that I needed to get help. That hurt me so bad. My own mother called me out on my bullshit, and instead of lying to me or saying nothing, she was brutally honest. There was more that was said from her side that was painful to hear, but I am so thankful that she was honest with me, because now I am in a way better place- mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Not only was it difficult to hear my mom be brutally honest with me, but I had to sit down and do the same thing for myself. I told myself that this self destruction is not okay, that I am capable of being healthier, treating myself better than I was, and ultimately not listening to those lies in my head that were constantly telling me that I was not good enough. Once you develop that ability to be honest, and call yourself out when acting out of line is insanely beneficial to you, and your relationships with others. AND, being more honest improves your overall health!

“Recent evidence indicates that Americans average about 11 lies per week. We wanted to find out if living more honestly can actually cause better health,” said lead author Anita E. Kelly, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. “We found that the participants could purposefully and dramatically reduce their everyday lies, and that in turn was associated with significantly improved health.” How interesting is that? These are the little changes people are neglecting that could potentially help improve their well-being. It blows my mind.

Anyway, this subject has been crossing my mind a lot lately. I just want to be a better person, while also inspiring others to do the same. Honesty is a step in healing, learning, and growing.

On My Mind

I’m walking around my favorite park in Arizona reflecting on the past couple years. To be honest, they have been full of so much growth, but also so much self loathing and disappointment. I have messed up so many times. I know they aren’t terribly bad screw ups, because my friends and family are super reassuring that the things I get hung up on aren’t as big as I make them out to be in my head. But my brain feels like it’s overflowing with thoughts like:

“I’m such a fucking idiot, why did I do that?”

“I don’t feel worthy of the love I have been receiving”

“This isn’t Mollie. Where did she go?”

And simply just wanting to disappear… it’s tragic. I have days where I feel on top of the world, like I truly love myself and all that I bring to the table. Then one mess up can send me into a spiral of disappointment, questioning, and negative thoughts. I feel like I am in a field surrounded by a circle of fire, and I’m the one who ignited it.

I am aware that I have a good heart. I am aware that I am a good person. I am aware of all of the positive qualities I possess.

But I also am aware of when I fuck up. And it’s always those situations where I am fully capable of determining my future situations and outcomes, but I just decide to risk it for the biscuit and end up with a shitty fruit cake or something awful. My life is rarely ever consistent from what the past couple years have brought, and that’s all I want is consistency. I want to consistently be in a good head space. I want to religiously feel good about myself and my being.

I do love myself. But today is not one of those days. These rough days are necessary though, and writing it out feels… like the only thing keeping me sane right now. Or at least preventing me from hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I’m tired of this lack of consistent positivity. I know life is unpredictable, but I want to control what I can and make sure the outcomes are beneficial for me and others in my life. I don’t want to look back on my life and hate myself. Hate is not something I am capable of doing, but if I were to absolutely despise anyone, it would be my own self. I guess I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all, though.

I’ll be okay.

Molls

23 Things I’ve Learned In 23 Years

23 years ago on May 9th, an enthralling, fabulous, gleeful, charming, and hideous creature was born. That creature is me. Another year around the sun, another 52 weeks coping with dark humor, another 365 days of growing, learning, creating relationships, and learning how to love myself. Look, I know that I am no expert on life, I’m young, and have a shit ton to learn. BUT I do consider myself to be wise beyond my years and I just wanted to share 23 things that I’ve learned over the past 23 years of my life. Some of it might not be super note-worthy, but it gives me a little wiggle room for humor to shine through. 😉

I could make this wholesome and introspective, but I also enjoy letting my absolute shit storm of a brain project whatever pops into it. SO, let’s go.

  1. DO NOT shove a penny up your nose. it will get stuck up there and you will have to go the ED.
  2. Become friends with all of the guys at a young age. They will always have your back, and make develop a ridiculous sense of humor. They may eventually have a crush on you at some point, but just friend zone them. Not worth the drama, mama. (Unless you are absolutely in love with one of them)
  3. Learn how to love your alone time. You don’t have to always be hanging out with someone. Develop that independence at a young age so that you don’t have to rely on other’s for your happiness. You always got you, so don’t mess it up for yourself.
  4. Lift weights. They are your friend. No, you won’t bulk up like The Hulk. Do your research, you’ll be just fine, and way healthier in the long run.
  5. Take responsibility for your actions. If you fuck up, own up to it. It might suck, but it’s better than lying and then getting your ass chewed out later for fucking up AND lying.
  6. 8 shots of tequila within an hour is NOT going to set you up for a successful night. You will fall head first into the kitchen cabinet, roll your ankle, and then eat 4 slices of pizza on the couch in pain.
  7. Do not give your time/energy to someone who treats you like an option, treats you poorly, or does not reciprocate the love you give. Everyone loves differently, but it should be clear if someone does love you. (might just be in my best interest to not date someone who has already been divorced)
  8. Check in with your friends/family often. Even if it’s just a text or short phone call, it is so important to keep those long term relationships healthy and in a good place. You need your loved ones, and they need you.
  9. It is okay to need help. Whether it is from family, friends, strangers, coworkers, medication…IT IS OKAY to need/ask for help. Asking for help is way more admirable than struggling alone, and 99% of the time, people are always willing to help out.
  10. Be generous. With your time, money, energy, and emotions. You never know how much someone appreciates you until you simply give them your time and effort out of the goodness of your heart.
  11. Make connections everywhere you go. Be friendly to all, start conversations, and be invested in conversation. You never know who you will meet and what opportunities will come from it!
  12. Don’t take disrespect from anyone. Stand your ground, know your worth, and communicate why the disrespect was unfair or inappropriate.
  13. Don’t be afraid to venture off on your own. Move somewhere new, or take a trip by yourself, near or far. It will be one of the most enlightening learning experiences you can have.
  14. Learn how to protect yourself. Martial arts, Taekwondo, any form of self defense is so important in this day and age. Be careful about who you trust and know when it’s a good time to leave a situation.
  15. Listen. Observe. Your surroundings, other people, actions…You can learn anything and everything there is to know about someone just by shutting your mouth and giving them the stage. It’s not all about you.
  16. Do research on investing, how to save and grow your bank accounts over time. Start doing this young, and then adulting won’t be so confusing.
  17. Take personal/mental health days as needed. Obviously don’t take one once a week, but when you really feel like it would benefit you and get you back up to speed with your life.
  18. Do not force relationships in any way. They will come and go.
  19. Eating a healthy, balanced, and primarily plant based diet will do wonders for your skin, mood, digestive system, and pretty much your entire being. DONT sleep on fruits/veg/legumes/plant protein. You’ll be surprised if you stick with it.
  20. Too much of anything is not good. Even the “healthy” things. Except water. Drink allll the water. Besides glacier water, that will have ya shittin’ for a couple days.
  21. Once your car has a maintence light go off, take it in immediately. Don’t say “you’ll do it later” because that usually turns into a month later n then you might end up needing a whole new car. Fix that shit ASAP.
  22. Wear sunscreen. Just do it. You’ll still get tan. And you won’t look like a raisin that got left in the scorching sun for 14 days when you hit 50. We wanna keep that skin luscious and young af.
  23. Don’t take some things so seriously. Take a deep breath, analyze the situation, check in with how you’re feeling, then react. Much of life’s outcomes happens from negative/positive reactions on your end. Make sure you are not wasting your energy, take a joke, and make jokes! 😋

I think those are pretty solid things I have learned throughout my years. I am 23 wow. I say this every year, but I honestly never saw myself making it this far in life. I kind of always had this gut feeling that I might die at a young age (sorry if that makes you uncomfy) but I kind of accepted that when I was young, so the fact that I am here, thriving and enjoying my current state is pretty gosh darn magical to me. I feel like I’m dreaming for some reason (no, I’m not high). I’m flying to Arizona right now. The plane is packed with families and other individuals like myself. I’m glad I have an isle seat because I am that person that has to pee 10x on a flight ugh. Gotta stay hydrated for all of the tequila that is going to be consumed this week though 😈 I friggin’ love birthdays. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the blog.

Please like, subscribe, share and all that good stuff. Thanks for reading!

here’s to 23 & continuing that self love

Molls

April 17th, 2012 (Part One)

Honestly, I have been wracking my brain trying to decide if this is something I would ever want to share or write about because it is such a real and emotional topic for myself and so many other people in the world. But I have realized that sharing these difficult memories and experiences can help others get through the tough times as well, and aid in that healing process.

I feel like everyone has a specific day they will always remember because it changed them and how they view life. For me, that day was April 17th. I’ve never told the entire story to anyone from my point of view, so I feel like this will be very good for my mental health and heart to express all of my emotions that overcame me on this day.

It was a normal spring day. I woke up around 6am, got dressed, put my red vans on, said goodbye to my parents, told them that I loved them, and headed out to the bus stop. I always rode the bus with my best friends at the time- Lucas and Rigdon. All three of us have lived next to each other since elementary school, sat next to one another on the bus to and from school, and would often hang out after our long bus ride back home. This story is about Rigdon. Well, him and a community that came together to support one another in a time of grief.

Back to the bus. I sat next to the seat across from Rigdon this day, and he just seemed more quiet than his usual odd, goofball self. I assumed it was relationship stuff bugging him or simply just being in a funk that day, since it was raining once again. I didn’t pry because I felt like he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. Looking back, I should have said something then and there since it was so out of character for him. He was always the one pulling me out of my shitty moods. Fast forward to school…The day was pretty normal for me, the only thing I remember is WEB class. Eighth graders took this class called WEB, that basically required us to mentor the 6th graders and show then the ropes of middle school and help them get their heads out of the toilets. (jk)

So, in WEB class that day, we were working on group projects for some activity for the sixth graders to do that week, and I remember Rigdon saying he wanted me to be in a group with him. As we were working on our project, I got called to the office because I was leaving for a dentist appointment. I said bye to my friends and Rigdon, and told him that I won’t be riding the bus home that day because of said appointment. I remember looking into his eyes and asking him if he was okay, because he just seemed so off that whole day. He said he was okay, but that was the extent of it. His body language and facial expression said it all. He was definitely not being completely honest with me, but I thought to myself “that is his choice, I wont pry and bug him” AGAIN. I should have bugged him. Something in my heart was concerned, and it looks like my intuition was correct. I gave him a hug and started heading toward the office.

After my appointment, my dad picked me up and we headed home. We got home around 4pm. My mom was still at work, my dad went to work down at my grandma’s house, and my sister was somewhere other than home at the time. I was home alone, just the way I liked it. I was laying in my bed, listening to the rain with the window open while texting my best friend, Logan. Logan and Rigdon were really good friends too. I remember one time Logan was staying the night at Rigdon’s and they came by my house and were out front trying to get me to hangout with them, but I was asleep haha. Anyway.. I was having a good day, and great conversation with Logan over text. Suddenly, I remember a very eerie wave hitting me out of no where. I didn’t hear from Logan for a couple minutes, which was unusual since we talked 24/7 and always replied to each other pretty quickly. I started getting really hot and sweaty for some reason, laying in bed.

Next thing I know, I get a text from Logan saying “Rigdon is dead.”

I said, “What? Logan that is not something to joke about..please tell me you are joking.”

He wasn’t joking. I tried calling him, but he would not answer the phone.

Rigdon lived about a mile away from me. I had to go check for myself. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even put a jacket on. My heart felt like it was going to implode, but I wasn’t crying. I could not convince myself that this was true, I sprinted down stairs, put my red vans on, and started running as fast as my legs could take me over to his house. The rain was coming down sideways, and I couldn’t feel a thing. My breaths were strong and sharp, my legs went numb. I started to think “What if Logan is right?” But it was just more motivation to run faster. If he was right, maybe I could save Rigdon since I live so close. I was thinking about how I would save him and make sure he is okay. Still, no tears were shed surprisingly. I was almost to the highway, which I had to cross in order to get to the gate of his house. I have never ran so fast in my goddamn life.

I think this is when I realized that I was too late. I was about 50 feet from his dad’s front door. There were more cars than just his dad’s truck parked in the driveway, which was unusual. I froze. I couldn’t bare to think about what was going on behind those doors. All I could do was stand there in the rain next to the highway, because I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. At this point, I knew something was wrong, Logan was right, and Rigdon was gone. I sat down on the side of the highway, like an abandoned puppy waiting for it’s owner. I sat there hoping him and his family would see me outside the gate and he would come out and get me. He never did.

I sat there in the rain and cold for about 15 minutes. I couldn’t feel a thing, physically, or emotionally. I felt like I was floating, and that nothing was real. Next thing I know, mine and Rigdon’s other friend Jacob sped up river with his parents because they heard the news as well… Jacob picked me up off the ground and put me in the car. They took me home, Jacob and I were holding onto each other so tightly and sobbing. When they dropped me off, not much was said…We were all in shock about what happened and what was about to come. I ran inside, hoping my family was home now. The house was dark, and I was alone again. I remember screaming, crying so hard that my face and head was red hot. I was barely keeping myself on my feet when my sister came sprinting into the house, yelling my name. I guess my family was out looking for me, since it was abnormal for me to be out of my bedroom (aka, my lair). She was hysterical as well, we held each other and cried harder than I ever have. Rigdon was like a little brother to my sister, she loves him dearly.

That night was somewhat of a blur. I remember having my closest friends over, and the ones that were also close to Rigdon as well. We had a slumber party up in my room, which I haven’t done in years because I never had friends over really. Eventually, the word spread over social media and everyone on Facebook was aware of what happened.

Rigdon shot himself in the head with a gun.

A 14 year old kid, died from suicide. This was so shocking to me and everyone that knew Rigdon.

He was the brightest light. He never failed to make people laugh and smile, so the fact that he was secretly feeling so lost and low is disheartening… I wish I rode the bus home that day.

April 17th was the longest day of my life, and for so any others I’m sure. All I could think about that night was why he would do that do himself, because I thought he loved himself and life. He was so gifted with his athletic abilities, and was always the fastest one on the football field and basketball court. All I could think about was his parents and how they were coping. I so badly wanted to be with them, hugging them and supporting them in any way I could. All I could think about was my friends, and how heart broken they were. I just wanted to comfort them and let them cry on my shoulder. All I could think about was “I should have rode the damn bus home!” I wanted to be alone so badly, but I knew that my loved ones needed me, and I needed them.

This moment in my life has shaped me into who I am today, and why I am so passionate about mental health and suicide prevention. However, there is another part to this story that I have refrained from sharing because it makes me so sick to my stomach when I think about it…

Rigdon messaged me on Facebook a couple days before his death. We usually communicated through FB messenger because his phone was taken away. The message out of the blue said “Take care of yourself, I’ll always love you molls.”

I replied with “Rigdon? What are you talking about? Are you okay?”

No reply. I tried bringing it up to him at school but he just said he was fine and just wanted to tell me that he loved me because he didn’t think he told me enough. I left it at that.

This breaks my heart because he was crying for help, and I didn’t know because I didn’t know anything about self harm/suicide. I was 13 years old for pete’s sake! I still felt uneasy about it, and still think about it often to this day. All of the signs were there, and if I had known, maybe he would still be here…

I just want to be clear that I do not blame myself, or anyone for this unfortunate event to happen. Rigdon was feeling lost, stuck, alone, and wanted a way out of the darkness. I don’t hold a grudge toward him either. He was struggling silently and didn’t know what to do other than to just stop all of the things making him feel so down. Some people see suicide as a “selfish” act, but until you have been in a suicidal person’s shoes, please do not judge or degrade them for the thoughts that are going through their head. We should be more compassionate to those with depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation, and verbally and physically express that there is hope and that they have support to get them out of the dark. If you are reading this, check in with your friends and family. Ask them how their mental/physical/emotional health is. Check in with yourself. Be proactive so that we don’t lose any more beautiful souls, like Rigdon.

There is so much more I want to share with the days and weeks following Rigdon’s death, but I think my heart is a bit too exhausted for now. I will do a part two in my next post.

Take care, my friends.

Molls

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

Have you ever been asked by someone “how would you describe yourself?” It is hands down, one of the most penetrating questions ever. I’ve been asked this by employers, friends, and myself when I’m feeling like I need to reconnect with my psyche and personal script.

I see this question as a valuable learning tool in getting to know yourself on a deeper level. Children, for example, don’t really know themselves enough to answer that question. A 5 year old might say “well, I think I’m pretty cool and fun”. That might be the extent of it though. Children are simple, naïve, and happy-go-lucky for the most part. However, if you ask me, a 22-year old adult, I would say that I am an intuitive, empathetic, hard-working individual that seeks the approval from myself in order to feel valuable to the world and the people in my life. I recognize the parts of me that aren’t very admirable, such as my tendency to be passive aggressive to people who may not deserve it, or the way I kind of tune out conversation if I’m not 100% invested in it. I feel like if you really want to know yourself, you need to realize these slip ups and try to work on them if you truly care enough about your well being to like yourself in the long run. The way I see it, you are in a committed relationship with yourself and life. The more you find out your likes/dislikes, the better off you’ll be when it comes to building relationships with others.

This is all super random but for some reason it all just flooded my brain as I’m sitting in my car waiting to head into a shift I picked up. So yeah, how acquainted are you with yourself? Do you know what triggers you, sets you off? Do you know what makes you feel like a million bucks? Do you feel comfortable in your skin? What are your insecurities? What do you love about yourself? What are you good at?

All of these are great questions to ask yourself to get on the path of self admiration. You are unique, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the closest one to you, the one who brings you comfort, the one who carries you through the tough days, and the wonderful days. I’m working on getting to know myself better so that I can be my best self for my future significant other (if that’s in the cards for me) .

You hear this cliché saying that “no one is perfect” well, that is true. But you can be perfect to yourself. And a special person might someday realize how much you love yourself and they want to join in on the journey. I have this vision in my head that if I continue to work on myself (because lord knows I have slipped up many times within the past couple years) then I will eventually be content in all aspects of life. Emotionally, financially, spiritually, romantically, physically.. everything will fall into a great place if I continue at the speed of self adoration I am going right now. In order to know myself better, I’m going to continue to eat healthy, exercise daily, question myself, learn new topics of interest, meet new people when the opportunity is there, and just simply let what comes to come and what goes to go.

I hope this brought some peace of mind to you, because it definitely did to me. Think deeper than surface level dialogue. Take care, gang. 😚

Molls

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